Desires of the heart.

Lately, I have taken notice of something in church.

That there are quite a few married women who attend church week after week without our husbands.

Yes, myself included.

In the year 2000, things were really bad between my husband and I. It's a long story that I don't want to rehash, so simply put, we separated for a while, I had a major break down, he wasn't much better, and when we reconciled we earnestly sought the Lord.

We began attending church, even taking marriage classes at church, we prayed together, read the Bible together, and I have never felt such intimacy with my husband as I did during that time. Even though it was during the worst storm of my life, it was a major turning point for us. It was the best time in our marriage.

But then something happened, slowly at first, almost imperceptibly we started to wander away from church, we stopped praying together, we stopped reading together, we stopped talking about the things of God.

We just stopped.

Eight years later, I now attend church by myself, I read my Bible by myself, I pray by myself.

But the desire of my heart is for him to be there with me.

However, a realization came over me as I prayed about it, and a question reverberated through me that just wouldn't go away.

Do I want him to go to church for him or for me? Am I really concerned about his soul or about what I want and need?

I came to this realization after the Christmas Eve service.

God wasn't moving fast enough for me, so I took things in my own hands, with disastrous results.

Around Thanksgiving, I had found out that the church was having a Christmas Eve service, so taking the opportunity I asked my husband if he would like to go with me.

To my immense joy, he said yes.

Then Christmas Eve came.

Suddenly, he had nothing to wear, which isn't true, he has a closet full of dress clothes from our church going days.

I felt like he was making excuses not to go. I became upset and angry and told him if he didn't want to go he should have just told me to begin with instead of saying yes.

And I cried.

He then started insisting that he was going.

I told him I didn't want him to go, that I didn't want to force him.

But I lied, I wanted him to go, and yes, I was hurt, but I used my own hurt and tears to manipulate him into going.

My selfish wants and needs came rearing up, God wasn't working the way I wanted Him to, so I took it upon myself to manipulate things the way I wanted them to go.

We went to church.

He was bored.

The service, which I am disappointed to say was not what it was the year before. Last year they had a lovely candlelight service with beautiful music and a great sermon.

This year, no candlelight, and the service was totally different even compared to a regular service. The sermon wasn't preached by our regular Pastor, and even I have to admit, it was boring and hard to follow.

Afterwards, he told me it was the worst church service he had ever been too, he got nothing out of it at all, and he implied that I should never ask him to go again.

Instead of waiting on God to move in my husband's heart, I messed up royally.

In forcing the issue, I pushed him farther away.

Every week, I see couples in church, couples not only obviously in love with each other, but in love with God.

This is an area where the sin of envy can be a real problem for me.

I want what they have.

I had it once, and I resent the loss of it.

I am a child of God, but my human nature often stands in the way of surrendering certain things to God.

Last night, through the conversation with my friend Crystal, I was convicted. It was nothing she said, it was what I said. I told her what I need to learn for myself, to wait on God.

And I thought, I am telling her this, but do I do it myself? Do I wait?

No, I am often impatient, I want things my way, I want them now or even sooner.

There is nothing wrong with desiring spiritual intimacy with my husband. God has created us to desire intimacy with our spouses, from the time of Adam and Eve.

God told Eve in Genesis that your desire will be for your husband.

I think He meant much more than the physical desire, but desire for a true and lasting closeness, a spiritual oneness that only comes when we have a personal relationship with God together.

I long for my husband to share my beliefs and faith, I long to journey with him towards God, learning together, striving together, being united as only God can unite two people.

My husband does believe in God, but I don't know where he stands, I don't know where his heart is, I don't know about his faith or if he truly has it.

But God knows.

Just as He knows the desires of my heart, and even if I haven't seen the results of my prayers, He has already answered me.

And He is telling me to wait.

Sometimes waiting is the hardest thing to do.

so tired

I am so tired.

It just seems like this week is dragging. I have to work tonight, then I am off Saturday and Sunday.

Yay, for weekends off.

I plan on sleeping late tomorrow.

I probably won't though, this internal clock of mine will wake me at approximately 6 am.

I want to dig the Christmas decorations out tomorrow.

DT is not working tomorrow, he already has 50 hours in this week and still has to work tonight. The poor man is exhausted. He went to bed at 6:30 this morning and within five minutes was cutting zzzz's.

I am glad he's not working tomorrow, he not only needs the rest, but we really could use some quality time together.

He did kind of hurt my feelings yesterday. I went to him and put my arms around him and said, 'I am looking forward to spending time with you on Saturday.' He said, 'I am working Saturday.'

I looked at him feeling a bit rejected, after I had told him I don't know how many times that I was off, and he had told me how many times he wasn't going to work since I was off.

He knew the look on my face didn't bode well for him.

He said, 'Are you off on Saturday?'

'I told you I was.'

'That's right, then I won't work.'

'Don't stay home on my account,' I said. Ok, I know I let my hurt rule my tongue, it flew out before I could think.

But he is staying home, and now I am feeling like I manipulated him into it. I would rather he stay home because he wants to spend time with me, not out of a sense of obligation or guilt.

I am just so tired of being alone. Boo is always off doing her thing, she is a teenager after all. In the mornings, DT is sleeping, I then go off to work, he leaves for work at 4 pm, I get home at 8:30 pm, and he gets home at 5:30 in the morning.

Sometimes I just feel like I am not a priority in his life. Last week, he left to go hunting with his buddy, I spent Thanksgiving with strangers, although I am thankful I wasn't alone, I would have preferred being with my family.

Last Christmas, I was alone. Boo was in PA visiting her Dad, DT was off hunting, and here I sat.

I don't begrudge DT his hunting, it's his thing, and I won't keep him from something he loves to do, I just want a little time for me.

I guess I was hurt yesterday because he didn't sound as if he wanted to spend time with me.

Sometimes a single person will say to me, 'At least you have someone.'

Yeah, ok. What they don't realize that marriage can be lonely, and it shouldn't be.

My woman's heart longs for more. Oh, I am not going anywhere, I have no desire to seek another, but yesterday a man I work with flirted with me, and ya know what? It felt good to have someone pay attention to me.

I was a bit flabbergasted, I really am not used to it, and I get tongue tied very easily, so I brushed it off, and I am definitely not interested.

But it was nice.

And I guess it just made me think about my marriage, and how DT used to say nice things to me, and flirt with me, and want to spend time with me.

And how much I wish we could get that back.

Wedding Anniversary and Love Notes

On November 7, 1997, DT and I stood before God and man and said our marriage vows.

I know a lot people who said we wouldn't make it past the first year.

Tomorrow, proves them wrong as we celebrate ten years of marriage.

To commemorate the day, I am reposting something I wrote on Time to Tell, I think it says it all.


Love Notes



In the fourth grade, I recieved a little note on a scrap of paper from a boy in my class.

All it said was, "I like you."

I wrote back, "I like you too."

Now wasn't that just too cute, little kids passing little love notes back and forth in class.

He turned out to be a jerk, but we were ten, and he was cute.

When I was 15, I started dating a boy, actually a young man since he was 19, who I had known forever.

He was my first love, and yes, he broke my heart.

But that summer was one of the most beautiful times in my life.

We took long walks hand in hand. We talked about everything and anything. We made big plans for the future.

And he wrote me love songs. And then he would sing them to me. He had a nice voice, a deep baritone which would send shivers down my spine.

He wrote me one in particular, that I carried around with me just so I could take it out and read it whenever I felt like it.

That song written from his heart disappeared along with the pictures I had of us, I can't recall if I got rid of them in the throes of a broken heart or if they were just lost.

After him, I started dating the man who would become my first husband, and subsequently my ex.

He wrote me many love letters, long and detailed, proclaiming his undying love for me.

When I gave Pookie my wedding dress, she called me and told me she found all of our letters, along with our wedding pictures in the box with the dress.

She asked me if I wanted them.

No, I don't want them, I have no desire to read them or even see them.

We were young and in love, and it is a part of my history but I have no desire to recall that time.

But someday, my grandchildren or great grandchildren will read them, and see that yes, at one time there was love there.

DT is not much of a letter writer, aside from the occasional note. But that's ok, I don't need letters from him, I know how he feels.

I see it in his eyes when he looks at me, in his hand when he takes mine, in his arms when he holds me.

I feel it in his concern for me when I am not feeling well. When he took care of me after I had surgery. In his words, 'Be careful', when I go somewhere. In the care he took to provide for my future if something should happen to him.

His love letters to me are the times he comes home late at night and crawls in bed and wraps his arms around me. They are the whispered words, I love you, just before he falls asleep. They are the ring he surprised me with when I least expected it. They are forgiveness for things I have done to hurt him, and a willingness to rebuild our marriage when we thought it was over. They were his tears when he was heartbroken, and his willingness to trust again. They are when we are both thinking the same thing at the same time, or when we finish each others sentences. They are cozy nights on the couch watching tv or a movie. They are when he offers to rub lotion on my back. They are long walks in the woods holding hands. They are long conversations or comfortable silences. They are future plans together. They are working together to solve problems. They are standing by each other's side, no matter what.

I don't need words written on a piece of paper because what I have means so much more.