Desires of the heart.

Lately, I have taken notice of something in church.

That there are quite a few married women who attend church week after week without our husbands.

Yes, myself included.

In the year 2000, things were really bad between my husband and I. It's a long story that I don't want to rehash, so simply put, we separated for a while, I had a major break down, he wasn't much better, and when we reconciled we earnestly sought the Lord.

We began attending church, even taking marriage classes at church, we prayed together, read the Bible together, and I have never felt such intimacy with my husband as I did during that time. Even though it was during the worst storm of my life, it was a major turning point for us. It was the best time in our marriage.

But then something happened, slowly at first, almost imperceptibly we started to wander away from church, we stopped praying together, we stopped reading together, we stopped talking about the things of God.

We just stopped.

Eight years later, I now attend church by myself, I read my Bible by myself, I pray by myself.

But the desire of my heart is for him to be there with me.

However, a realization came over me as I prayed about it, and a question reverberated through me that just wouldn't go away.

Do I want him to go to church for him or for me? Am I really concerned about his soul or about what I want and need?

I came to this realization after the Christmas Eve service.

God wasn't moving fast enough for me, so I took things in my own hands, with disastrous results.

Around Thanksgiving, I had found out that the church was having a Christmas Eve service, so taking the opportunity I asked my husband if he would like to go with me.

To my immense joy, he said yes.

Then Christmas Eve came.

Suddenly, he had nothing to wear, which isn't true, he has a closet full of dress clothes from our church going days.

I felt like he was making excuses not to go. I became upset and angry and told him if he didn't want to go he should have just told me to begin with instead of saying yes.

And I cried.

He then started insisting that he was going.

I told him I didn't want him to go, that I didn't want to force him.

But I lied, I wanted him to go, and yes, I was hurt, but I used my own hurt and tears to manipulate him into going.

My selfish wants and needs came rearing up, God wasn't working the way I wanted Him to, so I took it upon myself to manipulate things the way I wanted them to go.

We went to church.

He was bored.

The service, which I am disappointed to say was not what it was the year before. Last year they had a lovely candlelight service with beautiful music and a great sermon.

This year, no candlelight, and the service was totally different even compared to a regular service. The sermon wasn't preached by our regular Pastor, and even I have to admit, it was boring and hard to follow.

Afterwards, he told me it was the worst church service he had ever been too, he got nothing out of it at all, and he implied that I should never ask him to go again.

Instead of waiting on God to move in my husband's heart, I messed up royally.

In forcing the issue, I pushed him farther away.

Every week, I see couples in church, couples not only obviously in love with each other, but in love with God.

This is an area where the sin of envy can be a real problem for me.

I want what they have.

I had it once, and I resent the loss of it.

I am a child of God, but my human nature often stands in the way of surrendering certain things to God.

Last night, through the conversation with my friend Crystal, I was convicted. It was nothing she said, it was what I said. I told her what I need to learn for myself, to wait on God.

And I thought, I am telling her this, but do I do it myself? Do I wait?

No, I am often impatient, I want things my way, I want them now or even sooner.

There is nothing wrong with desiring spiritual intimacy with my husband. God has created us to desire intimacy with our spouses, from the time of Adam and Eve.

God told Eve in Genesis that your desire will be for your husband.

I think He meant much more than the physical desire, but desire for a true and lasting closeness, a spiritual oneness that only comes when we have a personal relationship with God together.

I long for my husband to share my beliefs and faith, I long to journey with him towards God, learning together, striving together, being united as only God can unite two people.

My husband does believe in God, but I don't know where he stands, I don't know where his heart is, I don't know about his faith or if he truly has it.

But God knows.

Just as He knows the desires of my heart, and even if I haven't seen the results of my prayers, He has already answered me.

And He is telling me to wait.

Sometimes waiting is the hardest thing to do.

Wellspring of life.

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.

There was an incident this morning that made me think of this verse.

Boo had asked me to go to McDonald's this morning before school, I haven't had time to do my weekly grocery shopping so I really don't have anything quick to make for breakfast.

So off I went while she got ready for school.

On the way, a woman in a white car cut me off.

Fine, I guess she was in a hurry.

She turned into MickeyD's ahead of me and went to the drive through so she was right ahead of me.

I was distracted for a moment and when I looked up, she was giving me the finger.

I have no idea why, since she was the one who cut me off and I didn't even respond to it.

I just ignored her, I find that it's better to just ignore the actions of nasty, mean people.

The worst part was that she had her young children in the car.

What an epitome of good parenting, right?

Afterwards, this verse came to my mind, and I realized that what is in the heart comes out in personality and actions. I then said a prayer for this unknown woman.

I pray that my actions will always reflect what God has done in my heart. And if I don't, then I pray that God will convict me so that I will do better.

I always believed that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

I remember an incident a number of years ago. During one holiday season, right before Thanksgiving, I was working in a book store. A woman came to the counter to make her purchase and she wrote a check. The store's policy was that we needed to see their driver's license when someone wrote a check. Apparently this woman had a problem with that, and just started reading the number off to me. I said, 'I am sorry, ma'am, but store policy says I need to actually see your license.' Angrily, she threw her license at me.

I calmly punched in the numbers and handed her licence back to her and finished the transaction. When I handed her the bag and receipt, I smiled brightly and said, 'Have a Happy Thanksgiving!!!'

She was quite taken aback, because after all, why would someone she was so rude to be nice back?

Romans 12:20
On the contrary:
"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."

Some days it is really hard to be nice to others, especially during the holidays when people seem even worse than usual. But maybe that person is having a particularly hard time, maybe they are going through a divorce, their child is in trouble, problems at work or unemployment, or even a death in the family. We have no way of knowing.

Sometimes, all that person needs is a smile and a kind word.

And a prayer.

We may not know that person and their needs, but God does.

We may have a hard time loving the unlovely, but then we aren't always so lovely either, and God doesn't have a problem loving all people, lovely or not.

Maybe we need to learn to look at people through God's eyes.

Changes Part 3

I am praying for an unknown person or persons in the church. I don't know who it is, and neither does anyone else for that matter, except God and the person who did it.

Apparently, (from what I have been told), some people in the church find change hard to accept. And have tried to have the pastor removed, of course under the guise of anonymity.

A letter went out to all the members, an anonymous letter. "Please prayerfully consider that Pastor ***** will moved to another area of ministry, so that we can be united."

Of course, this caused an uproar, and is definitely not the majorities opinion.

As I stated in my last post, a woman in class stated how satan will get shook up right before an awakening in the church and will cause something to happen to oppose it.

It blew up in satan's face.

I have been attending there for a year, in the last several months, especially in the last weeks, the sanctuary has been packed full during the contemporary service (one thing some people don't approve of).

This past Sunday was no exception, it seemed there were even more that the week before.

At the end of the service, the pastor made an alter call for prayer, deacons went forward and knelt, many, many others followed.

A few minutes later, people rose and began going back to their seats, but then suddenly, one person went and stood next to the pastor, then another, and another...until everyone there, stood and joined him, encircling the sanctuary, and joining hands in a moment of solidarity and unity.

The Minister of Music began singing, "We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord, we are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord. And we pray that our unity will one day be restored, and they will see we are Christians by our love, by our love, they will see we are Christians by our love!"

And one by one, the people started singing along, until the whole sanctuary swelled with our voices filled with unity and love.

I looked at the pastor, now with his wife and daughter by his side. He was choked with emotion, he was touched so deeply that so many would stand by his side.

Two days later, I am still so deeply touched when I think of that moment, of the outpouring of love that filled the sanctuary.

We talked with the pastor and several others afterwards, we are not angry with the person. But this person obviously needs prayer. And they definitely need love.

And maybe this is God's way of removing the chaff.

Confessions

I have a confession to make.

This one will shock you.

Really.

Ready?

I am two timing my husband.

That's right.

I am.

I have two guys.

I have two guys who love me.

One loved me so much, He died for me.

Yep. He died.

And a most brutal death it was, He didn't just die a simple death, He suffered tremendously.

But guess what?

He still lives.

Yep.

So I have two guys.

Two guys that love me.

The other is my husband, DT. And I know he loves me too.

The first guy's name is Jesus.

Isn't that awesome?

And you know what?

He will never fail me, unlike a human man.

He is always trustworthy, unlike a human man.

He will never hurt me, unlike a human man.

He is perfect. Can we say that about human men? I can't even say that about myself.

As much as I love my husband, I admit that I love Jesus more.

I can't help myself, I am in love with Him.

And why shouldn't I be?

He has done more for me than any man on earth has done.

And as much as I love being married, I know that even if I wasn't, I still wouldn't be alone, because I will still have a guy.

Jesus.

'Thank you, Jesus for loving me, even when I am unlovable. Thank you, for always being there for me, even when I have turned away. Thank you for picking me up when I stumble and fall. Thank you for being my strength when I am weak. Thank you for being faithful, when I am unfaithful. Thank you for dying for me, but most of all, thank you for living for me. I love You.'

Wedding Anniversary and Love Notes

On November 7, 1997, DT and I stood before God and man and said our marriage vows.

I know a lot people who said we wouldn't make it past the first year.

Tomorrow, proves them wrong as we celebrate ten years of marriage.

To commemorate the day, I am reposting something I wrote on Time to Tell, I think it says it all.


Love Notes



In the fourth grade, I recieved a little note on a scrap of paper from a boy in my class.

All it said was, "I like you."

I wrote back, "I like you too."

Now wasn't that just too cute, little kids passing little love notes back and forth in class.

He turned out to be a jerk, but we were ten, and he was cute.

When I was 15, I started dating a boy, actually a young man since he was 19, who I had known forever.

He was my first love, and yes, he broke my heart.

But that summer was one of the most beautiful times in my life.

We took long walks hand in hand. We talked about everything and anything. We made big plans for the future.

And he wrote me love songs. And then he would sing them to me. He had a nice voice, a deep baritone which would send shivers down my spine.

He wrote me one in particular, that I carried around with me just so I could take it out and read it whenever I felt like it.

That song written from his heart disappeared along with the pictures I had of us, I can't recall if I got rid of them in the throes of a broken heart or if they were just lost.

After him, I started dating the man who would become my first husband, and subsequently my ex.

He wrote me many love letters, long and detailed, proclaiming his undying love for me.

When I gave Pookie my wedding dress, she called me and told me she found all of our letters, along with our wedding pictures in the box with the dress.

She asked me if I wanted them.

No, I don't want them, I have no desire to read them or even see them.

We were young and in love, and it is a part of my history but I have no desire to recall that time.

But someday, my grandchildren or great grandchildren will read them, and see that yes, at one time there was love there.

DT is not much of a letter writer, aside from the occasional note. But that's ok, I don't need letters from him, I know how he feels.

I see it in his eyes when he looks at me, in his hand when he takes mine, in his arms when he holds me.

I feel it in his concern for me when I am not feeling well. When he took care of me after I had surgery. In his words, 'Be careful', when I go somewhere. In the care he took to provide for my future if something should happen to him.

His love letters to me are the times he comes home late at night and crawls in bed and wraps his arms around me. They are the whispered words, I love you, just before he falls asleep. They are the ring he surprised me with when I least expected it. They are forgiveness for things I have done to hurt him, and a willingness to rebuild our marriage when we thought it was over. They were his tears when he was heartbroken, and his willingness to trust again. They are when we are both thinking the same thing at the same time, or when we finish each others sentences. They are cozy nights on the couch watching tv or a movie. They are when he offers to rub lotion on my back. They are long walks in the woods holding hands. They are long conversations or comfortable silences. They are future plans together. They are working together to solve problems. They are standing by each other's side, no matter what.

I don't need words written on a piece of paper because what I have means so much more.

In God's view

I've been trying hard to view people through God's eyes, not always an easy endeavor, and I fail more than I would like to admit. It's easy to look down on people because they are different, or because they have no 'eye appeal', or they seem weird, or dirty, or just different than main stream humanity.

It's hard to love the unlovely.

But I am trying and that's all I can do.

Today in church the sermon was on telling people about Jesus, they have really been stressing the point of inviting people to church, mostly because next Sunday is high attendance Sunday.

Ok, this is not something I am very comfortable with. One reason is because I've had people try and shove their religious beliefs down my throat and I don't want to appear that way to others. I prefer 'showing' people by my actions and words what it means to be a Christian, which is something else I am working on. Which does work, on occasion, like with my friend Crystal.

What does this have to do with loving the unlovelies of the world?

Well, there is this man at work, and ok, ok, I even think he is weird.

I had to go into work for 1 today, I have my hours scheduled like that so I can go to church on Sunday mornings.

I ran into Mr. K, the weird guy at the time clock. Ok, I think he is weird, but I do endeavor to be nice to him.

So we end up having this conversation.

Mr. K, "You just comin back from lunch?"

Me, "No, I'm just coming in."

Mr. K, with funny look on his face, "Isn't it late for you to be coming in?"

Me, "On Sundays I don't come in till one so I can go to church in the morning."

Mr. K, "Oh, you like going to church?"

Me, "Yes, and it's the one thing I won't compromise on."

By this time we are both punched in and he is walking with me through the store.

Mr. K, "What church do you go to?"

Me, "Calvary Baptist right over here in Toast."

Mr. K, "You go to Sunday School too before church?"

Me, "Actually, I go to the early service at 8:30 then Sunday School afterwards."

Mr. K, "And you really like it?"

Me, "Yes, I do, I love going to church."

Mr. K, "I really should start going to church."

Me, "You are always welcome to join us!" Where did that come from, did I say that?

Mr. K nods, and says, "I guess you read the Bible all the time too."

Me, "Yes, I am a Bible believing, born again Christian."

Mr. K, "Hmm, that's good, that's good."

At that we parted ways and went off to work in our separate departments.

Now, I am definitely not the type to push my religious beliefs on someone, if I do talk to someone it's because the conversation just turned that way for some reason, if they don't want to hear it, that's fine, I can do nothing to change a person's mind, that is up to God.

I do believe that God places us in certain places with certain people at different times for His purpose to be fulfilled.

And I have seen evidence of this in my own life.

Nineteen months ago I moved here from Pennsylvania. I didn't find a job for almost three months, then I landed a job at the sock warehouse, where I met my friend Crystal.

Crystal has been through a lot in the last year, her brother died of a drug overdose at the age of 31, she was fired from a job she loved, she has had some health issues of her own, she ended a long term relationship with her boyfriend, but she is now a faithful member of the same church I belong too.

Now, I know God didn't 'need' me to get her back into church, but He did use me to get her there. I am humbled and awed by the fact that He could have used anyone to fulfill His will, but He used me.

I don't want people to go to church because they feel that they 'have' too, I don't want people to go to church because they want a social life and they feel that is where they will get it, I don't want people to go to church because it's the thing to do, or a status thing, or even out of habit.

I want people to go to church because they can learn about the love of Jesus for all mankind.

I've been to all kinds of churches in my life, Roman Catholic, Lutheran, UMC, Baptist, and so on. I've been a member of several different churches, one I was soured on because of the whole money issue, one I was soured on because of the political games, one was too legalistic and judgemental, and yes it's a shame that this happens, but I have come to realize that we are all terrible sinners and when you put a bunch of us together you can end up with greed, power plays and even hypocrites.

Jesus didn't come to judge, He came to save the sinners, like you and I. He sat and ate with sinners, real people like you and I. He chose those people over the supposedly righteous folks to eat with.

He chose people like fishermen and tax collectors to be His disciples, He didn't choose scholars and priests nor the rich and powerful.

He chose us.

He chose me.

I don't have anything to give to Him but myself. Any gifts or talents I have are because He gave them to me. I am not well known or famous, I am not rich by any means, I came from a poor background, I make many, many mistakes in my life, I get depressed, discouraged and even lonely. I am so imperfect in so many ways, yet He loved me so much that He died for me.

This is the message of the Gospel, it's not about how much money a church can collect, or how powerful someone can be, it's not even about being able to quote scripture, it's simply and yet powerfully all about Jesus and what He did for all of us on the cross, freeing us from the punishment of death that we deserve by taking it all upon Himself.

Jesus truly loves the unlovely, even one such as me.