Purpose. Passion and a Plan

For a long time, even since before we moved here, I have felt like I had no purpose, no real passion for anything, and no motivation for anything.

Lately, I seem to keep running into things in books, at church, on the radio, and on tv with the common theme of finding one's purpose and passion.

A passion can be anything, a hobby, an activity, another person, volunteering, a club, or just about anything you love doing.

I started thinking about this, and researching it.

And I read a couple of things to do in the quest of finding one's passion.

Make a list of everything you like to do.

Look around your home, at your memories, at things you did in the past that you enjoyed doing.

From the time I was very little, there were two things that always enjoyed doing, reading and drawing.

I am definitely the artsy type, and through basic reading and drawing other things developed. Writing for one, I love to write, I feel compelled to write. For a long time I wanted to write a book, but isn't it every writer's dream to write the next Great American Novel? And the competition is fierce, to say the least. But I have discovered that my writing talents such as they are don't lie in the fictional area but the inspirational.

From drawing and an Aunt who loves crafts of all sorts I learned that I also love to make things. Through the years I have learned how to do many different types of crafts, some self taught, some taught by others. My grandmother taught me the basics of crochet when I was little, from there I learned more complicated stitches, with the help of my ex MIL eventually graduating to crocheting snowflakes and doilies. I learned how to cross stitch, and crewel. I taught myself how to do flower arrangements and wreaths, I even made the bouquets for both my son's and daughter's weddings. I taught myself how to tole paint. How to draw with pen and ink, and watercolor. I know how to sew, thanks to home ec class in Jr. High. I have made my own curtains, even a shower curtain due to the need of a special size. I also taught myself how to refinish furniture, stripping it down to bare wood, and I know how to stencil. I have done decoupage and scrap booking wall art in shadowboxes and in frames. I have made yard decorations out of wood with a jig saw and paint. And if I sat and thought about it, this list would probably grow even longer.

I have also learned how to do 'DIY' things around the house, changing locks and washers in faucets and such.

I have a creative side that needs to be let loose.

But I haven't been motivated to do anything creative except write for at least several years now.

There are other skills that I have also developed over the years, like cooking, especially baking. I even considered for a while going to school to become a pastry chef. I also thought I would like to open my own restaurant, one problem with that is I don't have the capitol.

My older daughter, Pookie recently told me that she always thought I should be an interior decorator, my son, JP told me I should be a tattoo artist which made me laugh. I just can't see myself doing that, especially since I am not very fond of tattoos.

So lately I have been pondering about this and praying for direction.

And one thing I know about myself is that I do not like working outside the home, probably one reason why I have had so many jobs. For one thing, I get bored with jobs after the initial excitement of learning something new. Another thing is that I really dislike working on someone else's timetable. I feel restricted and caged in.

I have done so many things but what do I really love to do? And how do I implement some of the skills I have developed into something I not only enjoy doing, but that can eventually develop into something I can do as a business venture?

My goal is to eventually replace my income from my job with something I can do at home. I don't make huge amounts of money, about $800.00 a month clear, so what can I do, implementing my skills to replace that?

I don't believe in coincidence, I believe that God leads us to where we are to go and what we are to do, and He can use any means to show us.

Last week one night I decided to turn the tv on, I don't watch much tv, I can go weeks on end without even looking at it. But on this particular night I did, and browsing through the channels, I came across HGTV, which is a channel that has home decorating shows, remodeling, design shows, etc. You can check their website out, http://www.hgtv.com/.

I was totally enraptured.

I realized that there are some things people purchase, one is food, people need to eat, another is clothes, people love clothes some to the point of addiction, and there is one more thing people buy.

Things for their homes. I am not talking about fancy gadgets, I am talking basic things like floor and window treatments.

Which is something I think about a lot for my own home.

People also like things that are quality, they also want to get the best their money can buy.

I watched it again last night, and once more I was enraptured. My eyes were glued to it for several hours as show after show came on until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.

This morning I checked out their website, and it is just chock full of stuff.

And I found something that I know I can do. And I am bound and determined to try it.

At first I was thinking big, no, more than big, HUGE, my mind and stomach jumping with excitement, then I realized that I need to approach this rationally and start small and experiment with one project to see if this is really what I want to do.

And if it works then I feel it is a beginning of something bigger.

And I don't even need to spend a lot of money since a lot of the stuff I need I have on hand. Paint, paintbrushes, and as for design, God gave me the ability to think and draw. With this, I can use some of the skills I have developed over the years.

Later I am going to dig through my shed to see what I have, to take stock.

I don't quite have a plan yet, that will come as I think about it, write things down, research and start small.

But I am hopeful, excited and motivated.

Desires of the heart.

Lately, I have taken notice of something in church.

That there are quite a few married women who attend church week after week without our husbands.

Yes, myself included.

In the year 2000, things were really bad between my husband and I. It's a long story that I don't want to rehash, so simply put, we separated for a while, I had a major break down, he wasn't much better, and when we reconciled we earnestly sought the Lord.

We began attending church, even taking marriage classes at church, we prayed together, read the Bible together, and I have never felt such intimacy with my husband as I did during that time. Even though it was during the worst storm of my life, it was a major turning point for us. It was the best time in our marriage.

But then something happened, slowly at first, almost imperceptibly we started to wander away from church, we stopped praying together, we stopped reading together, we stopped talking about the things of God.

We just stopped.

Eight years later, I now attend church by myself, I read my Bible by myself, I pray by myself.

But the desire of my heart is for him to be there with me.

However, a realization came over me as I prayed about it, and a question reverberated through me that just wouldn't go away.

Do I want him to go to church for him or for me? Am I really concerned about his soul or about what I want and need?

I came to this realization after the Christmas Eve service.

God wasn't moving fast enough for me, so I took things in my own hands, with disastrous results.

Around Thanksgiving, I had found out that the church was having a Christmas Eve service, so taking the opportunity I asked my husband if he would like to go with me.

To my immense joy, he said yes.

Then Christmas Eve came.

Suddenly, he had nothing to wear, which isn't true, he has a closet full of dress clothes from our church going days.

I felt like he was making excuses not to go. I became upset and angry and told him if he didn't want to go he should have just told me to begin with instead of saying yes.

And I cried.

He then started insisting that he was going.

I told him I didn't want him to go, that I didn't want to force him.

But I lied, I wanted him to go, and yes, I was hurt, but I used my own hurt and tears to manipulate him into going.

My selfish wants and needs came rearing up, God wasn't working the way I wanted Him to, so I took it upon myself to manipulate things the way I wanted them to go.

We went to church.

He was bored.

The service, which I am disappointed to say was not what it was the year before. Last year they had a lovely candlelight service with beautiful music and a great sermon.

This year, no candlelight, and the service was totally different even compared to a regular service. The sermon wasn't preached by our regular Pastor, and even I have to admit, it was boring and hard to follow.

Afterwards, he told me it was the worst church service he had ever been too, he got nothing out of it at all, and he implied that I should never ask him to go again.

Instead of waiting on God to move in my husband's heart, I messed up royally.

In forcing the issue, I pushed him farther away.

Every week, I see couples in church, couples not only obviously in love with each other, but in love with God.

This is an area where the sin of envy can be a real problem for me.

I want what they have.

I had it once, and I resent the loss of it.

I am a child of God, but my human nature often stands in the way of surrendering certain things to God.

Last night, through the conversation with my friend Crystal, I was convicted. It was nothing she said, it was what I said. I told her what I need to learn for myself, to wait on God.

And I thought, I am telling her this, but do I do it myself? Do I wait?

No, I am often impatient, I want things my way, I want them now or even sooner.

There is nothing wrong with desiring spiritual intimacy with my husband. God has created us to desire intimacy with our spouses, from the time of Adam and Eve.

God told Eve in Genesis that your desire will be for your husband.

I think He meant much more than the physical desire, but desire for a true and lasting closeness, a spiritual oneness that only comes when we have a personal relationship with God together.

I long for my husband to share my beliefs and faith, I long to journey with him towards God, learning together, striving together, being united as only God can unite two people.

My husband does believe in God, but I don't know where he stands, I don't know where his heart is, I don't know about his faith or if he truly has it.

But God knows.

Just as He knows the desires of my heart, and even if I haven't seen the results of my prayers, He has already answered me.

And He is telling me to wait.

Sometimes waiting is the hardest thing to do.

Preachin' to the choir.

I read somewhere, not too long ago that pastors should stop preaching the salvation message in church. That the people in church are already Christians, so therefore don't need to hear the gospel message Sunday after Sunday.

I thought about this, then I realized something.

Not everyone who goes to church is a Christian. There may be someone there who has sat in the same pew, week after week, for years, and never understood, never accepted, never believed.

There may be a guest there who never heard the gospel.

Or some one's teenage child who is headed towards the wrong path.

Or how about the husband of the faithful wife who has attended for years and suddenly he decides to go to church to see what his wife is getting out of it.

It says in the Bible to go out and preach the gospel to the world. Where is the world?

It's in our very own backyards, our local grocery stores, our neighbors homes. It's in our schools, our workplaces, and recreational facilities. It's on the streets, in libraries, it's anywhere where there are people who need Jesus. And yes, it's even in our churches.

People get saved where ever Jesus meets them, even in Church. And there are unbelievers in church, in all churches, all across the world.

Yes, there are Christians in churches, but how many are really Christians?

Only God knows the heart of man.

I am a Christian, one that struggles at times, one that sins, imperfect, yet I know that Jesus loves me unconditionally.

I have sat in church and listened to the message of salvation many times, and have never ever once got tired of hearing it. I always learn something, even if it's just one small gem that God lays on my heart.

And as a child who didn't know God, who didn't even know who Jesus was, church was where I first heard the message.

I hope preachers everywhere, no matter their title, Pastor, Minister, Reverend, or even Layman, keep preachin' to that choir the message of salvation, of Christ's sacrifice, of the hope that He gives us, because sometimes one person in the choir just doesn't know the words.

And one soul is very much worth it.

What the doctor didn't tell me.

For a month now I have been feeling pretty terrible, physically.

I have been fatigued for one thing, so much so that some days I feel like I can barely function. I have also had this lingering cold, which is better but not quite gone. Then the arthritis flareups, probably one reason I am fatigued because the pain wakes me throughout the night. It's not just one thing hurting, it's my hands and wrists, my shoulders, neck, lower back and hips, and my knees and ankles. I have also been experiencing numbness and tingling in my hands.

I was starting to think there was something seriously wrong with me.

Then a thought occurred to me, it hit me when after two weeks from my last shot, I started to feel better, much better. Then I went for my last shot this past Thursday and guess what? I feel terrible again.

So I did a quick search on the side effects of rabies shots.

Check, check, check, check.

Hmmm, no WONDER I have been feeling awful!

One side effect is arthritis type pain. Now I do have arthritis, but never this bad, and apparently the shots compounded the pain.

Which affected my sleep, in a major way.

It can also cause headaches and nausea.

I didn't experience the headaches, but here and there the thought of eating wanted to make me gag, even when I was really hungry. I would start to eat and suddenly I just wouldn't be able to take another bite, leaving nearly whole plates of food unfinished and discarded.

After reading this info, I feel assured that I am not losing my mind or that I haven't developed some awful illness.

And at least it's only temporary, especially since I am done with the series now.

Boy, I am glad about that!

And I would rather have experienced these side effects than the alternative, but I think the hospital should have told me that these side effects were possible.

The doctor never said a word, and there was nothing on the papers they gave me.

I should have realized sooner though, I don't like taking meds unless I absolutely have too since I often experience side effects, my body just does not metabolize things the same way as others.

This has even happened with meds I took in the past that never bothered me, and suddenly I was experiencing sleeplessness or headaches or worse.

So I live a basically no meds life, and if I buy something OTC then I read the label carefully because certain ingredients will really effect me.

If a doctor prescribes something, I ask about possible side effects, but this time I didn't think to do so, probable because it was necessary and I really had no choice.

Any time you put anything in your body there is a risk, even something like a rabies shot.

I am just glad they changed the way they do it, instead of 15 to 30 shots in the stomach, in a matter of a few days, it is now done over a course of a month, 7 to 13 shots depending on the wound, and most of them are in the arm. The first 3 shots were done in one visit, one around the wound site, one in the bottom and one in the arm, after that they were all administered in the arm.

If I felt this bad after getting 7 shots over a months time, it makes me glad I didn't have to have 15 to 30 in a matter of days. I can't imagine how sick I would have been.

So I am thankful that it is over with now, and I am thankful that they changed it.

I am also thankful that soon I should be feeling like my old self again.

Pride Goeth Before A Fall

The other day I submitted an article to a writing contest.


The article was on the subject, 'What Makes A Christian Different Than Anyone Else?'


I really don't think I will win. For one thing, I really struggled while writing it, the words didn't flow as smoothly as when I write here or personally.


Afterwards I wondered why, and then I realized it was because for that article, I wasn't writing for God, I wasn't writing to glorify Him, I was focused on the $1,000.00 prize.


Today I looked at my article on the site I submitted it to, http://www.faithvine.com/, and even though I know that it is very doubtful I will win, not because of my writing per se, considering that even though it's not my best, it's not really bad writing either, but one mistake I made was not giving it a title that stood out, it's the same or nearly so than most of the submissions.


Why is this a problem? Because it's based on reader's votes, and if my title doesn't stand out, then the chances of it being read are very random.


As I browsed through the articles, I atomically clicked on the titles that caught my interest.


And if I do that then surely others will too.


It's ok though. Although winning would be nice, it was a learning experience.


For a long time, I was writing things that weren't exactly wholesome, I was writing for me, and I surely wasn't being blessed because of it.


And then something happened to me, inside. It bothered me, my soul groaned, and after a time I found that I wasn't able to write much at all.


I started praying about it, and after a time I decided that if my writings didn't reflect God, if my writings weren't honoring God and edifying to others, then I shouldn't be writing.

The following verses kept reverberating through me, and I realized that I wasn't thinking about the pure, lovely, noble things of God, but I was thinking and writing for my own purposes, and as a result, I didn't have peace about it.

Philippians 4
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Verse 9 really is a potent command and promise, if we put the good things of God into practice then He will be with us.

And what does the word 'practice' mean? It means striving to get something right, to do it over and over until it's flawless or nearly so.

When I wrote that article, I was selfishly motivated, not God motivated, as is so often the case. I focused on not only the money, but on getting noticed, looking for accolades, for commendation, distinction and honor, for myself.

I let pride get in the way. Pride in my own abilities, and we all know that pride is a stumbling block.

God doesn't want us to be prideful, if we boast, we should boast of the things God does through us, not on our own abilities or actions, because without God those things mean nothing.

1 Corinthians
30It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. 31Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

Jeremiah 9
23 This is what the LORD says:
"Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom
or the strong man boast of his strength
or the rich man boast of his riches,
24 but let him who boasts boast about this:
that he understands and knows me,
that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness,
justice and righteousness on earth,
for in these I delight,"
declares the LORD.

This new year seems to be starting off as a year of lessons. As I reflect more on God and less on myself, I am learning something daily.

Preparation

I believe that God prepares us for things in advance through our struggles, our day to day lives, and lessons we learn along the way.

However, only God knows what He is preparing us for, we have no way of knowing what is ahead of us.

And if we think we know, then God proves us wrong. We can not assume we know what God is thinking.

On New Year's Eve, I was alone. DT was working, and Boo was bringing in the new year with friends.

I was in the pit of loneliness and self pity.

A few minutes before midnight, I turned the tv on to watch the ball drop.

On the stroke of midnight, I began crying. Through my tears I watched couples kiss, people were shouting and laughing, and my tears fell harder.

I thought, 'Well maybe someone will call to wish me a Happy New Year.'

But the phone remained silent.

The problem isn't that I was alone on New Year's Eve. It's that I am alone more than I should be.

As I cried that night, I turned to my one source of comfort and solace. I turned to my Father and gave Him the tears of aching loneliness.

And a sense that He understands came over me.

He also laid on my heart that I am being prepared for something.

I haven't a clue what, even though my mind automatically goes to the worst case scenario, I know my thoughts on this are probably not any where close to what God has planned for my life.


Ephesians 2:10
For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.


I am God's work in progress, every thing in my life, good and bad, big and small, is preparing me for what's to come. There are lessons in each moment, if we just look for them. Sometimes what we need to learn is hard to see, sometimes because we become so self oriented that we are blinded, sometimes because it's a difficult lesson that we don't want to learn, sometimes just because we aren't quite ready for that lesson, but later when we look back things become clearer.

God doesn't want us to just stand still and wait for life to happen, He wants not only to prepare us, but for us to get ready, to be prepared, to learn, to grow, to strive, to reach. We may make many mistakes along the way, but God even uses our mistakes to teach us.

He doesn't leave us alone, He is constantly prodding us, moving us forward, guiding us to His ways.

I could have done so much to make my night less lonely instead of wallowing in my own self pity.

I could have called or visited someone to ease their loneliness. I could have done something constructive with my time. I could have spent the time in prayer and Bible reading.

I could have turned to God to begin with and asked Him what to do.

This morning I had to go to Wally World for a couple of necessities. Since I had time before I had to pick Boo up from her internship, I took my time and browsed the shelves, nothing really catching my eye at first. I was getting ready to check out when I felt compelled to go to the book section. I looked around, nothing really catching my interest until I started walking away. A book caught my eye at the last moment.

World Changers: Live to Serve by Bob Beltz and Walt Kallestad. A book inspired by the life of William Wilberforce and the Amazing Grace movie.

I don't know how many of you have seen this movie, but it was really good, and I enjoyed it tremendously.

I feel God led me to this book for a purpose, there maybe something I need to learn from it's pages.

The next time I feel lonely, I am not going to sit and feel sorry for myself, I am going to do something positive.

This is lesson one for the New Year.

What has God taught you today?

2008

Wow, where did 2007 go?

Is it just me or does time seem to go faster as we get older?

Well, here we are facing another year of whatever is to come.

This is the day that many will make New Year's Resolutions. I stopped making resolutions long ago, because I never ever stick to them.

But this year, I will.

I resolve to be a better person tomorrow than I am today.

I resolve to try and not get upset over the small things that bother me.

I resolve to help my husband with our budget and stick to it so we can get out of debt.

I resolve to be thankful each day for the things I do have, and not fret over the things I don't have.

I resolve to smile more, laugh more and sing more.

I resolve to learn one new thing this year, even if it is a challenge.

I resolve to be kinder to others, to give of myself when and where I can.

I resolve to try not to whine and complain.

I resolve to try and have a good day each and every day.

And I will remember each day that God is with me, loving me, caring for me, holding me, carrying me and leading me.


And my prayer for each of you who reads this is that all of you are blessed many times over throughout 2008.

See ya next year!!!