Weakness

I am weak.

Yes, my faith especially.

Sometimes when things aren't quite right in my life, I am tempted to look to outward things of the world to make me feel better. These things sneak up on me, and wala, I feel a bit better. For a while.

But then it soon passes, what has happened?

Things of the world aren't lasting, a compliment from someone soon fades, things bought soon are forgotten or broken, clothes wear out, food is quickly consumed, and the list goes on and on.

And then when that happens we are off to seek the next thing that we think will make us happy, and if not happy, then maybe just better.

And it turns into a never ending merry-go-round, seeking and looking, and never quite achieving the happiness we seek.

Even Christians can fall into this trap.

We see something we want, or we feel something in our life is lacking, and too often we want what the world offers instead of seeking the One True Source of lasting joy and eternal peace.

Last night as I said in my last post, a man at work flirted with me. It was a HUGE ego boost, of course it was, and I basked in it, even if I didn't fall into the temptation of flirting back, I relished the feelings it invoked in me, and then my thoughts turned to what I perceive that I don't have.

A PERFECT MARRIAGE.

Show me one couple who has a perfect marriage and I will wash your feet.

On the surface maybe, but where you put two sinful people together you will eventually have some kind of problems.

Even Christian couples.

And I don't know where my husband stands spiritually. Oh, I know he believes in God, he believes in Jesus, but I am not sure where his heart lies. Only God knows that.

But this isn't about him, this is about me, and I am weak.

For a little while, I looked to something other than God to fill me.

Ok, now this is a shady area. There really is nothing wrong with receiving a compliment and enjoying it, what is wrong is when you try and replace the real source of joy with something so fleeting.

Nothing on earth can replace the Love God has for me. Nothing else can fill me and satisfy me.

I've been down the dark roads of life, and the places that those roads took me to left me empty and lonely. I was broken, embittered and hungry. Sin was an illusion, a fake, false satisfaction that never lasted longer than the moment, yet it deceived me over and over again, and I would think, 'Next time, next time it will be different, better, lasting.'

Oh, how wrong I was!

I thought I was in control, but I was out of control!

Last night was just a pale reflection of my past, a reminder of who I once had been. I am no longer that person, and I don't need a false sense of self-esteem to make me feel better.

All I need is my Lord, my Savior, the Lover of my soul.

My life is in His hands, and with Jesus by my side how can I be lonely?

Deuteronomy 31:8
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

so tired

I am so tired.

It just seems like this week is dragging. I have to work tonight, then I am off Saturday and Sunday.

Yay, for weekends off.

I plan on sleeping late tomorrow.

I probably won't though, this internal clock of mine will wake me at approximately 6 am.

I want to dig the Christmas decorations out tomorrow.

DT is not working tomorrow, he already has 50 hours in this week and still has to work tonight. The poor man is exhausted. He went to bed at 6:30 this morning and within five minutes was cutting zzzz's.

I am glad he's not working tomorrow, he not only needs the rest, but we really could use some quality time together.

He did kind of hurt my feelings yesterday. I went to him and put my arms around him and said, 'I am looking forward to spending time with you on Saturday.' He said, 'I am working Saturday.'

I looked at him feeling a bit rejected, after I had told him I don't know how many times that I was off, and he had told me how many times he wasn't going to work since I was off.

He knew the look on my face didn't bode well for him.

He said, 'Are you off on Saturday?'

'I told you I was.'

'That's right, then I won't work.'

'Don't stay home on my account,' I said. Ok, I know I let my hurt rule my tongue, it flew out before I could think.

But he is staying home, and now I am feeling like I manipulated him into it. I would rather he stay home because he wants to spend time with me, not out of a sense of obligation or guilt.

I am just so tired of being alone. Boo is always off doing her thing, she is a teenager after all. In the mornings, DT is sleeping, I then go off to work, he leaves for work at 4 pm, I get home at 8:30 pm, and he gets home at 5:30 in the morning.

Sometimes I just feel like I am not a priority in his life. Last week, he left to go hunting with his buddy, I spent Thanksgiving with strangers, although I am thankful I wasn't alone, I would have preferred being with my family.

Last Christmas, I was alone. Boo was in PA visiting her Dad, DT was off hunting, and here I sat.

I don't begrudge DT his hunting, it's his thing, and I won't keep him from something he loves to do, I just want a little time for me.

I guess I was hurt yesterday because he didn't sound as if he wanted to spend time with me.

Sometimes a single person will say to me, 'At least you have someone.'

Yeah, ok. What they don't realize that marriage can be lonely, and it shouldn't be.

My woman's heart longs for more. Oh, I am not going anywhere, I have no desire to seek another, but yesterday a man I work with flirted with me, and ya know what? It felt good to have someone pay attention to me.

I was a bit flabbergasted, I really am not used to it, and I get tongue tied very easily, so I brushed it off, and I am definitely not interested.

But it was nice.

And I guess it just made me think about my marriage, and how DT used to say nice things to me, and flirt with me, and want to spend time with me.

And how much I wish we could get that back.

Drawing closer to God

Last night I talked to my DIL for quite a while, she felt a little better yesterday, but she described feelings of anger and loss. A normal reaction.

But she is immersing herself in the Word of God, she is looking for answers.

JP took his family to church on Sunday, knowing that they needed to be with the people of God.

Tragedy can so often drive us away from God, we see this often, and there have been times in my own life when I allowed that to happen, letting myself become embittered and angry, blaming God for my problems.

But turning to Him in times of sorrow, can bring us closer to Him, opening our hearts to experience His full all encompassing love, compassion, and mercy.

I believe God uses the hard things in our lives to draw us closer to Him, if we just turn and seek Him.

But too often we only turn to Him when things are bad, we must not forget to worship and praise Him in the good times also.

I love to read the Psalms, and recurring theme I find awesome in the Psalms of David particularly, is that he always gave God the glory, no matter the circumstances. David was often depressed, lonely, and frightened. Enemies pursued him, surrounded him, wanting to take his life. But even in the midst of all these things, he always praised God.

We can not know fully God's mind, he is beyond our mere human understanding, but we can know and accept that He is a just God, that He knows us better than we know ourselves, that He is faithful, even when we are weak, that He is compassionate when we are suffering.

My son and DIL suffered a loss of a child, and who can understand better such a loss than God?

I grieve the grandchild that was lost, but even so, I rest in the presence of my Lord, I find comfort in Him, and I have not lost the peace and joy that has been given me through His grace.

And that is my fervent prayer for my children.


James 4
8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

Grandparents grieve too.

Today, it's really hit me hard, I cried in church, I cried at work, and I am still crying.

JP called me in desperation, wanting Bible verses to help his wife. He loves her so much, and the loss of their baby is devastating.

I found some verses that I hope will help, but then I in turn, called my Pastor's wife, who is a grief counselor.

I broke down in tears again.

And she said something interesting, that I, as a grandparent have been hit with grief twice. I not only lost my grandchild, I hurt because my child hurts.

And there is really nothing I can do or say to make his hurt less or his wife's hurt less. I can only love and support them, and share in their grief.

A lot of people minimize a miscarriage, mostly because secular society doesn't always agree that a fetus is a real child.

I beg to differ.

Miscarriage is a real loss. It was a real baby.

God's word says in Psalm 139

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

God knew that child from the moment of conception, and all of that child's days were ordained.

And a joyfully expectant mother loves the child that is forming inside her.

I remember when I conceived my son. I knew the moment I had conceived. Two weeks later, I was sure. Another two weeks went by and it was confirmed.

As young as I was, as scared as I was, I was more terrified of losing him. He laid under my heart, developing and growing for nine months, how could I not love him? He was a part of me.

Today, he is a grown man, a husband and father, and now a grieving father who is trying so hard to hold his family together, to help his wife through this, to be the strong one.

When he called me Friday morning, he was crying so hard that it broke this mother's heart.

If I could take his tears I would. If I could take his hurt I would. If I could take his lost child's place, I would.

But I can't, I am helpless and I am grieving.

I have decided that it's ok to grieve this loss.

It's real, it's painful.

And I am not alone.

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.

Changes Again!

It seems I can't enough of change.

So I putzed around this morning, and changed my background.

What do you all think?

Christmas is coming. I love Christmas.

There are a few things I want to add here, but I don't have the time today.

I need to cook.

Today is Thanksgiving.

Oh, I know it was really on Thursday, I am not that dumb. But since I had to work, and DT and Boo were off to do their own things, then I am having it today.

I really do need to get off here, I have a lot to do.

Sweep the floor, finish laundry, run to the store, stuff the bird, and you know, all that fun stuff.

Later this afternoon, Crystal is coming to join us, Boo and her beau will be here, and DT and his friend are planning to arrive sometime this afternoon, if they can drag themselves from the woods.

I am ok today, as upset as I was yesterday with the loss we had, I have God filling me up, and I have so much to be thankful for.

And besides, that child must have been very special indeed since God took him or her home.

That gives me comfort.

I still have all my wonderful children, my SIL and DIL, and five sweet grandchildren.

I have my four sisters and a brother. My Dad and my Grandma.

A plethora of other family members.

Two best friends.

And my dear sweet husband who when he heard about the baby being lost, insisted that he is coming home early to be with me.

I have my God who strengthens me, Who loves me beyond measure, Who guides me along my path, Who carries me when I am weak, and Who has given me so much to be thankful for.

Even though part of my heart is saddened by the loss of a grandchild, I come before God with a grateful heart, my heart is full with His love, peace and joy.

Prayer request

Please pray for my son, JP and his wife, Jenn.

Jenn lost the baby.

They are devastated.

And I am heartbroken for them.

I know that we can't always see God's purposes, but He is faithful, and all things work for the good of those who love Him.

Even the harsh things, even the sad things, even this.

To my unborn grandchild,

I love you Baby, even though I will never hold you, I will never play with you, or count your fingers and toes.

But I know that you are in God's arms and that you are loved more than I can I say with mere words.

Your parents miss you, they cry over the loss of you, as do I, but you have a Heavenly Father who can and will love you forever.

Someday, when I get where you are, I will be able to love you and hug you like I long to do. But in the meantime, you have a great grandmom, and a great great grandmom there who will step in, until I get there.

You also have a cousin there baby, who you can play with, so I know with such a wonderful family, that you are safe.

And I know you are in a place of complete Joy.

You will never face hardship and heartache, you will never suffer loss as we do, and for that, I am thankful.

I love you, Baby.

Mommom

Not Alone

My family abandoned me for Thanksgiving.

No, I am not feeling sorry for myself, just stating a fact.

DT's best friend showed up from PA on Tuesday. He got a little lost and ended up at Mickey D's, so I went and rescued him.

They left that afternoon to go hunting down in the swamps on Cape Fear River. Hubby called me yesterday morning, highly disappointed, he missed a buck with a huge rack.

Boo spent the day with her boyfriend and his family. They invited her when she told them I had to work.

Then my schedule was switched from 11 am to 8 pm, to 4 am to 1 pm. Which was ok, I would rather have had my afternoon off on Thanksgiving.

I was extremely tired though, on Wednesday, I worked till nearly 8:30 pm, came home, got a few hours sleep, up at 2 am to go back for 4 am. And Wednesday night was horrible, being the night before a big holiday we were extremely busy and I ended up not getting out of there when I was supposed to.

I slept 11 hours last night.

Told you I was exhausted.

When my friend Crystal found out that I was going to be alone yesterday afternoon, she invited me to her families. So I went.

It was nice, lots of people I didn't know, but I did have a good time. It made me truly Thankful that God has provided me with such a wonderful friend as Crystal.

There was a young woman there who invited me to her house on December 15th to celebrate Christmas. I think she felt sorry for me! And I felt sorry for her, because this young woman has Polio.

But after talking to Crystal, this woman certainly doesn't need pity, she is strong and capable, and apparently very good hearted. I will pray for her though.

I felt like I made a couple of new friends, which is awesome.

Afterwards I came home, settled the animals, changed into comfy clothes, made a cup of tea, and then I called my son. I had already talked to Pookie in the morning when I took my lunch break, and I hadn't had a chance to talk to JP yet.

My DIL answered and I talked to her for a few, she is finally pretty much over her morning sickness with baby number three. Then I talked to Blake, who was very excited because they got a Spongebob table and chair set, then Hali got on the phone and babbled something I couldn't understand except for the word, 'Mommom'. Well, at least she knows who I was! Then JP finally got to talk, he sounded as tired as I felt. He is a hard worker, plus coaching Blake's peewee football games, which by the way, they won the tournament, so football is done for them.

I did have a bad moment on the phone when I had to tell myself not to cry, I miss them all so much and they are so far away. It was when JP told me that Blake is really stretching and is 4 feet tall already, and I said, pretty soon he will be as tall as me! It was just a reminder of how much I am missing with my grandchildren.

I had one of those moments on the phone with Pookie, when she told me how Delilah's potty training is proceeding and the little pip finally figured out that she is supposed to pull her panties down to go potty.

But I am thankful. I am thankful that all my children are doing well, that my grandchildren are healthy and thriving, that I have a new grand baby on the way, that I have family that loves each other.

I am thankful that I have a good husband, who works hard and who loves me.

I am thankful for my friends, those here in my life and on the net.

I am thankful that I have a roof over my head and a place to lay my head at night when so many others don't.

I am thankful for a full belly when so many others are hungry.

I am thankful for my health, when others suffer from so many problems.

I am thankful for my church home, where I have another 'family' who truly cares about each other.

I am truly thankful for the simple pleasures in life, a cup of coffee made just right, a sunrise, the colors of the leaves on the trees, cheesecake, hugs, long talks on the phones, an email from a friend, a good book, public libraries, road trips, and music.

And I am thankful for my God, for my Savior, for His love that carries me through each and every moment of my life.

I am never alone, even when it seems I am.