I am weak.
Yes, my faith especially.
Sometimes when things aren't quite right in my life, I am tempted to look to outward things of the world to make me feel better. These things sneak up on me, and wala, I feel a bit better. For a while.
But then it soon passes, what has happened?
Things of the world aren't lasting, a compliment from someone soon fades, things bought soon are forgotten or broken, clothes wear out, food is quickly consumed, and the list goes on and on.
And then when that happens we are off to seek the next thing that we think will make us happy, and if not happy, then maybe just better.
And it turns into a never ending merry-go-round, seeking and looking, and never quite achieving the happiness we seek.
Even Christians can fall into this trap.
We see something we want, or we feel something in our life is lacking, and too often we want what the world offers instead of seeking the One True Source of lasting joy and eternal peace.
Last night as I said in my last post, a man at work flirted with me. It was a HUGE ego boost, of course it was, and I basked in it, even if I didn't fall into the temptation of flirting back, I relished the feelings it invoked in me, and then my thoughts turned to what I perceive that I don't have.
A PERFECT MARRIAGE.
Show me one couple who has a perfect marriage and I will wash your feet.
On the surface maybe, but where you put two sinful people together you will eventually have some kind of problems.
Even Christian couples.
And I don't know where my husband stands spiritually. Oh, I know he believes in God, he believes in Jesus, but I am not sure where his heart lies. Only God knows that.
But this isn't about him, this is about me, and I am weak.
For a little while, I looked to something other than God to fill me.
Ok, now this is a shady area. There really is nothing wrong with receiving a compliment and enjoying it, what is wrong is when you try and replace the real source of joy with something so fleeting.
Nothing on earth can replace the Love God has for me. Nothing else can fill me and satisfy me.
I've been down the dark roads of life, and the places that those roads took me to left me empty and lonely. I was broken, embittered and hungry. Sin was an illusion, a fake, false satisfaction that never lasted longer than the moment, yet it deceived me over and over again, and I would think, 'Next time, next time it will be different, better, lasting.'
Oh, how wrong I was!
I thought I was in control, but I was out of control!
Last night was just a pale reflection of my past, a reminder of who I once had been. I am no longer that person, and I don't need a false sense of self-esteem to make me feel better.
All I need is my Lord, my Savior, the Lover of my soul.
My life is in His hands, and with Jesus by my side how can I be lonely?
"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
Friday, November 30, 2007
I am weak.
I am so tired.
It just seems like this week is dragging. I have to work tonight, then I am off Saturday and Sunday.
Yay, for weekends off.
I plan on sleeping late tomorrow.
I probably won't though, this internal clock of mine will wake me at approximately 6 am.
I want to dig the Christmas decorations out tomorrow.
DT is not working tomorrow, he already has 50 hours in this week and still has to work tonight. The poor man is exhausted. He went to bed at 6:30 this morning and within five minutes was cutting zzzz's.
I am glad he's not working tomorrow, he not only needs the rest, but we really could use some quality time together.
He did kind of hurt my feelings yesterday. I went to him and put my arms around him and said, 'I am looking forward to spending time with you on Saturday.' He said, 'I am working Saturday.'
I looked at him feeling a bit rejected, after I had told him I don't know how many times that I was off, and he had told me how many times he wasn't going to work since I was off.
He knew the look on my face didn't bode well for him.
He said, 'Are you off on Saturday?'
'I told you I was.'
'That's right, then I won't work.'
'Don't stay home on my account,' I said. Ok, I know I let my hurt rule my tongue, it flew out before I could think.
But he is staying home, and now I am feeling like I manipulated him into it. I would rather he stay home because he wants to spend time with me, not out of a sense of obligation or guilt.
I am just so tired of being alone. Boo is always off doing her thing, she is a teenager after all. In the mornings, DT is sleeping, I then go off to work, he leaves for work at 4 pm, I get home at 8:30 pm, and he gets home at 5:30 in the morning.
Sometimes I just feel like I am not a priority in his life. Last week, he left to go hunting with his buddy, I spent Thanksgiving with strangers, although I am thankful I wasn't alone, I would have preferred being with my family.
Last Christmas, I was alone. Boo was in PA visiting her Dad, DT was off hunting, and here I sat.
I don't begrudge DT his hunting, it's his thing, and I won't keep him from something he loves to do, I just want a little time for me.
I guess I was hurt yesterday because he didn't sound as if he wanted to spend time with me.
Sometimes a single person will say to me, 'At least you have someone.'
Yeah, ok. What they don't realize that marriage can be lonely, and it shouldn't be.
My woman's heart longs for more. Oh, I am not going anywhere, I have no desire to seek another, but yesterday a man I work with flirted with me, and ya know what? It felt good to have someone pay attention to me.
I was a bit flabbergasted, I really am not used to it, and I get tongue tied very easily, so I brushed it off, and I am definitely not interested.
But it was nice.
And I guess it just made me think about my marriage, and how DT used to say nice things to me, and flirt with me, and want to spend time with me.
And how much I wish we could get that back.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Last night I talked to my DIL for quite a while, she felt a little better yesterday, but she described feelings of anger and loss. A normal reaction.
But she is immersing herself in the Word of God, she is looking for answers.
JP took his family to church on Sunday, knowing that they needed to be with the people of God.
Tragedy can so often drive us away from God, we see this often, and there have been times in my own life when I allowed that to happen, letting myself become embittered and angry, blaming God for my problems.
But turning to Him in times of sorrow, can bring us closer to Him, opening our hearts to experience His full all encompassing love, compassion, and mercy.
I believe God uses the hard things in our lives to draw us closer to Him, if we just turn and seek Him.
But too often we only turn to Him when things are bad, we must not forget to worship and praise Him in the good times also.
I love to read the Psalms, and recurring theme I find awesome in the Psalms of David particularly, is that he always gave God the glory, no matter the circumstances. David was often depressed, lonely, and frightened. Enemies pursued him, surrounded him, wanting to take his life. But even in the midst of all these things, he always praised God.
We can not know fully God's mind, he is beyond our mere human understanding, but we can know and accept that He is a just God, that He knows us better than we know ourselves, that He is faithful, even when we are weak, that He is compassionate when we are suffering.
My son and DIL suffered a loss of a child, and who can understand better such a loss than God?
I grieve the grandchild that was lost, but even so, I rest in the presence of my Lord, I find comfort in Him, and I have not lost the peace and joy that has been given me through His grace.
And that is my fervent prayer for my children.
8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Today, it's really hit me hard, I cried in church, I cried at work, and I am still crying.
JP called me in desperation, wanting Bible verses to help his wife. He loves her so much, and the loss of their baby is devastating.
I found some verses that I hope will help, but then I in turn, called my Pastor's wife, who is a grief counselor.
I broke down in tears again.
And she said something interesting, that I, as a grandparent have been hit with grief twice. I not only lost my grandchild, I hurt because my child hurts.
And there is really nothing I can do or say to make his hurt less or his wife's hurt less. I can only love and support them, and share in their grief.
A lot of people minimize a miscarriage, mostly because secular society doesn't always agree that a fetus is a real child.
I beg to differ.
Miscarriage is a real loss. It was a real baby.
God's word says in Psalm 139
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
God knew that child from the moment of conception, and all of that child's days were ordained.
And a joyfully expectant mother loves the child that is forming inside her.
I remember when I conceived my son. I knew the moment I had conceived. Two weeks later, I was sure. Another two weeks went by and it was confirmed.
As young as I was, as scared as I was, I was more terrified of losing him. He laid under my heart, developing and growing for nine months, how could I not love him? He was a part of me.
Today, he is a grown man, a husband and father, and now a grieving father who is trying so hard to hold his family together, to help his wife through this, to be the strong one.
When he called me Friday morning, he was crying so hard that it broke this mother's heart.
If I could take his tears I would. If I could take his hurt I would. If I could take his lost child's place, I would.
But I can't, I am helpless and I am grieving.
I have decided that it's ok to grieve this loss.
It's real, it's painful.
And I am not alone.
He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
It seems I can't enough of change.
So I putzed around this morning, and changed my background.
What do you all think?
Christmas is coming. I love Christmas.
There are a few things I want to add here, but I don't have the time today.
I need to cook.
Today is Thanksgiving.
Oh, I know it was really on Thursday, I am not that dumb. But since I had to work, and DT and Boo were off to do their own things, then I am having it today.
I really do need to get off here, I have a lot to do.
Sweep the floor, finish laundry, run to the store, stuff the bird, and you know, all that fun stuff.
Later this afternoon, Crystal is coming to join us, Boo and her beau will be here, and DT and his friend are planning to arrive sometime this afternoon, if they can drag themselves from the woods.
I am ok today, as upset as I was yesterday with the loss we had, I have God filling me up, and I have so much to be thankful for.
And besides, that child must have been very special indeed since God took him or her home.
That gives me comfort.
I still have all my wonderful children, my SIL and DIL, and five sweet grandchildren.
I have my four sisters and a brother. My Dad and my Grandma.
A plethora of other family members.
Two best friends.
And my dear sweet husband who when he heard about the baby being lost, insisted that he is coming home early to be with me.
I have my God who strengthens me, Who loves me beyond measure, Who guides me along my path, Who carries me when I am weak, and Who has given me so much to be thankful for.
Even though part of my heart is saddened by the loss of a grandchild, I come before God with a grateful heart, my heart is full with His love, peace and joy.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Please pray for my son, JP and his wife, Jenn.
Jenn lost the baby.
They are devastated.
And I am heartbroken for them.
I know that we can't always see God's purposes, but He is faithful, and all things work for the good of those who love Him.
Even the harsh things, even the sad things, even this.
To my unborn grandchild,
I love you Baby, even though I will never hold you, I will never play with you, or count your fingers and toes.
But I know that you are in God's arms and that you are loved more than I can I say with mere words.
Your parents miss you, they cry over the loss of you, as do I, but you have a Heavenly Father who can and will love you forever.
Someday, when I get where you are, I will be able to love you and hug you like I long to do. But in the meantime, you have a great grandmom, and a great great grandmom there who will step in, until I get there.
You also have a cousin there baby, who you can play with, so I know with such a wonderful family, that you are safe.
And I know you are in a place of complete Joy.
You will never face hardship and heartache, you will never suffer loss as we do, and for that, I am thankful.
I love you, Baby.
My family abandoned me for Thanksgiving.
No, I am not feeling sorry for myself, just stating a fact.
DT's best friend showed up from PA on Tuesday. He got a little lost and ended up at Mickey D's, so I went and rescued him.
They left that afternoon to go hunting down in the swamps on Cape Fear River. Hubby called me yesterday morning, highly disappointed, he missed a buck with a huge rack.
Boo spent the day with her boyfriend and his family. They invited her when she told them I had to work.
Then my schedule was switched from 11 am to 8 pm, to 4 am to 1 pm. Which was ok, I would rather have had my afternoon off on Thanksgiving.
I was extremely tired though, on Wednesday, I worked till nearly 8:30 pm, came home, got a few hours sleep, up at 2 am to go back for 4 am. And Wednesday night was horrible, being the night before a big holiday we were extremely busy and I ended up not getting out of there when I was supposed to.
I slept 11 hours last night.
Told you I was exhausted.
When my friend Crystal found out that I was going to be alone yesterday afternoon, she invited me to her families. So I went.
It was nice, lots of people I didn't know, but I did have a good time. It made me truly Thankful that God has provided me with such a wonderful friend as Crystal.
There was a young woman there who invited me to her house on December 15th to celebrate Christmas. I think she felt sorry for me! And I felt sorry for her, because this young woman has Polio.
But after talking to Crystal, this woman certainly doesn't need pity, she is strong and capable, and apparently very good hearted. I will pray for her though.
I felt like I made a couple of new friends, which is awesome.
Afterwards I came home, settled the animals, changed into comfy clothes, made a cup of tea, and then I called my son. I had already talked to Pookie in the morning when I took my lunch break, and I hadn't had a chance to talk to JP yet.
My DIL answered and I talked to her for a few, she is finally pretty much over her morning sickness with baby number three. Then I talked to Blake, who was very excited because they got a Spongebob table and chair set, then Hali got on the phone and babbled something I couldn't understand except for the word, 'Mommom'. Well, at least she knows who I was! Then JP finally got to talk, he sounded as tired as I felt. He is a hard worker, plus coaching Blake's peewee football games, which by the way, they won the tournament, so football is done for them.
I did have a bad moment on the phone when I had to tell myself not to cry, I miss them all so much and they are so far away. It was when JP told me that Blake is really stretching and is 4 feet tall already, and I said, pretty soon he will be as tall as me! It was just a reminder of how much I am missing with my grandchildren.
I had one of those moments on the phone with Pookie, when she told me how Delilah's potty training is proceeding and the little pip finally figured out that she is supposed to pull her panties down to go potty.
But I am thankful. I am thankful that all my children are doing well, that my grandchildren are healthy and thriving, that I have a new grand baby on the way, that I have family that loves each other.
I am thankful that I have a good husband, who works hard and who loves me.
I am thankful for my friends, those here in my life and on the net.
I am thankful that I have a roof over my head and a place to lay my head at night when so many others don't.
I am thankful for a full belly when so many others are hungry.
I am thankful for my health, when others suffer from so many problems.
I am thankful for my church home, where I have another 'family' who truly cares about each other.
I am truly thankful for the simple pleasures in life, a cup of coffee made just right, a sunrise, the colors of the leaves on the trees, cheesecake, hugs, long talks on the phones, an email from a friend, a good book, public libraries, road trips, and music.
And I am thankful for my God, for my Savior, for His love that carries me through each and every moment of my life.
I am never alone, even when it seems I am.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
On this eve of Thanksgiving, I am posting two videos. The first, Amazing Grace in remembrance of my grandmother, Mammam, and the second, It Is Well With My Soul, for my mother, who both now reside in Glory and are now giving thanks for eternity.
This is Chris Tomlin's version of Amazing Grace, it's a beautiful video. The second one tells the story of how and why it was written, after the writer, Horatio Spafford lost all five of his children.
What an amazing testimony!
Let us remember what Thanksgiving is really for, it's not about turkey or pumpkin pie, it's about giving all our thanks to the One who gives us all we have.
May God bless you all!!!
I love you!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
I am praying for an unknown person or persons in the church. I don't know who it is, and neither does anyone else for that matter, except God and the person who did it.
Apparently, (from what I have been told), some people in the church find change hard to accept. And have tried to have the pastor removed, of course under the guise of anonymity.
A letter went out to all the members, an anonymous letter. "Please prayerfully consider that Pastor ***** will moved to another area of ministry, so that we can be united."
Of course, this caused an uproar, and is definitely not the majorities opinion.
As I stated in my last post, a woman in class stated how satan will get shook up right before an awakening in the church and will cause something to happen to oppose it.
It blew up in satan's face.
I have been attending there for a year, in the last several months, especially in the last weeks, the sanctuary has been packed full during the contemporary service (one thing some people don't approve of).
This past Sunday was no exception, it seemed there were even more that the week before.
At the end of the service, the pastor made an alter call for prayer, deacons went forward and knelt, many, many others followed.
A few minutes later, people rose and began going back to their seats, but then suddenly, one person went and stood next to the pastor, then another, and another...until everyone there, stood and joined him, encircling the sanctuary, and joining hands in a moment of solidarity and unity.
The Minister of Music began singing, "We are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord, we are one in the Spirit, we are one in the Lord. And we pray that our unity will one day be restored, and they will see we are Christians by our love, by our love, they will see we are Christians by our love!"
And one by one, the people started singing along, until the whole sanctuary swelled with our voices filled with unity and love.
I looked at the pastor, now with his wife and daughter by his side. He was choked with emotion, he was touched so deeply that so many would stand by his side.
Two days later, I am still so deeply touched when I think of that moment, of the outpouring of love that filled the sanctuary.
We talked with the pastor and several others afterwards, we are not angry with the person. But this person obviously needs prayer. And they definitely need love.
And maybe this is God's way of removing the chaff.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Sometimes change is hard to deal with, sometimes we resist changing something about ourselves, or we are not happy with changes around us.
We become stuck in a rut, and we like it there, because we feel safe in familiar territory.
OK, we may feel safe, but there are hazards to resisting change.
We can become narrow minded for one thing, we want things the way WE want them, and it doesn't matter what someone else thinks.
There is no challenge in staying in the same place, we limit our potential for learning and growth.
Sometimes, though we may resist, God pushes in a direction we do not want to go, and our world will change forever. It shakes us up, wakes us up, and we change in ways we didn't expect or didn't think we even needed.
Imagine what would happen if a mother robin didn't push her babies from the nest. They would end up crippled, unable to leave and stuck there, unable to even feed themselves until they slowly starved to death. Not a pretty picture.
The mother pushes the baby out of the nest for a purpose, so they can learn how to fly!
That's what God does to us, He pushes us from our own self made nests.
Thank God He does!
When I lived in Pennsylvania, for the last few years there, I really felt stuck. Oh, I had my family, I had my home, a job, friends. But I was in a rut, with no direction, no real life, just existing day in and day out. In some ways I felt like I was suffocating with boredom, in other ways I felt starved. I didn't know what I was longing for though, something unnamed, something that I couldn't see.
Then something big happened.
God pushed me out of my nest. And I landed here in N. Carolina.
I admit it, I didn't want to move here. Even though my heart longed for something more in my life, I was so used to my rut, I was safe in my rut, I didn't have to force myself to make hard decisions, I could stay in my shy little shell, and just exist.
But God wanted more for me.
And my life has been changed.
Ironically, when I was in that rut, even though a big part of me wanted to stay there, I also prayed for whatever was missing.
God answered that in a big way.
My life has changed. I don't think I would have grown and changed in the ways I have if I would have remained there.
When we did arrive here, I was so scared. I didn't know anyone at all, I didn't have a job, I got lost on several occasions trying to find my way around town, which was really scary since I didn't know anyone I could call for help or directions.
But over the course of the last twenty months, God has really worked in my life.
Of course, I have had a lot of bad moments. Not too long ago, I wrote a post on my previous blog which reflected all my doubts, all my fears, my loneliness, my depression, everything.
Yesterday, in church someone stated (because of something that happened in the church which I will get to in my next post), that when a spiritual awakening is about to happen, satan gets shook up and opposes it in one form or another.
Satan was bombarding me with all kinds of bad thoughts and feelings.
But the harder he lambasted me, the more I turned to God, the more I prayed in desperation. I prayed so hard, I think my knees bled. I cried out to God, and when I didn't have words, the Spirit cried out for me.
And I was rescued from despair.
God doesn't want us to stay in the same place, He wants us to learn how to fly. He wants us to grow and learn, He wants us to use all our gifts and talents to our full potential.
And I don't think He is done with me yet!
Who knows where He may lead me next?
But now I know that I can embrace change, it's not the bad thing that so many make it out to be.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
I haven't just changed my blog.
But it's not a work that I did myself. God has done the work, I am simply the clay and He is the Potter.
Lately, I have felt some things just falling away from me. As I strive with a willingness to follow Him, I am changing.
And yes, they are good changes.
Of course, I haven't just sat back and waited for some miracoulous change to over come me, I willingly surrendered my life, my WHOLE life to God.
I stand on His promises, I pray without ceasing, I worship, I am convicted, and I am learning to love others.
Worry and fear and stress have been a dark cloud over my life, depression dogged my foot steps. For a long time I felt as if the weight of the world was on my shoulders.
In Matthew 11, it says:
28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I have read this and heard this passage hundreds of times, yet never quite understood it.
I am no longer burdened by the worries of this world. I went to Jesus and He has given me rest in my soul.
My heart is no longer heavy laden, it has been lightened.
No, my problems haven't magically gone away.
My mortgage is still late, bills are still piled up, Boo has a lot of needs, DT is still working alot, as am I.
And yes, we are both tired.
I am tired physically, but my soul is WIDE AWAKE and BURSTING with the JOY OF THE LORD!!!
The worry and fear of our financial woes has fallen away.
God will provide! I know this is true, and I have chosen to trust Him in ALL things.
I have changed.
I refuse to wallow in self pity. I push envy and selfish ambition away.
For I discovered something, it's NOT ALL ABOUT ME, it's ALL ABOUT HIM!
I am not entitled to anything, and everything I do have is a wondrous gift from God.
My family, my job, my home, my friends, my church, even my pets!
I now come before Him with a grateful heart, and each day I am humbled because of what He has done for me.
He has covered me with His Grace. He has shown me mercy when I deserved none. He has loved me unconditionally, even when I was whining and fretting, even when I was at my worst!
Just as He loves you and you and even you, yes, YOU!
It's ok that my readership has seemlingly declined, it's ok that I don't get comments like I used to.
What matters is that someone somewhere out there may some day read my words and find the peace and joy that I have.
As many of you know, I have gone through many struggles, many trials, and big changes.
Many of my struggles were mental and spiritual, many of those struggles are gone.
I am still a work in progress, I am still finding my way through a whole set of things, I am learning and growing. I am studying and praying. I am striving to be who God wants me to be.
Most of all I am trusting Him, something I had a problem with for a long time.
How can I not trust Him? He died for me so that I may live!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
I have a confession to make.
This one will shock you.
I am two timing my husband.
I have two guys.
I have two guys who love me.
One loved me so much, He died for me.
Yep. He died.
And a most brutal death it was, He didn't just die a simple death, He suffered tremendously.
But guess what?
He still lives.
So I have two guys.
Two guys that love me.
The other is my husband, DT. And I know he loves me too.
The first guy's name is Jesus.
Isn't that awesome?
And you know what?
He will never fail me, unlike a human man.
He is always trustworthy, unlike a human man.
He will never hurt me, unlike a human man.
He is perfect. Can we say that about human men? I can't even say that about myself.
As much as I love my husband, I admit that I love Jesus more.
I can't help myself, I am in love with Him.
And why shouldn't I be?
He has done more for me than any man on earth has done.
And as much as I love being married, I know that even if I wasn't, I still wouldn't be alone, because I will still have a guy.
'Thank you, Jesus for loving me, even when I am unlovable. Thank you, for always being there for me, even when I have turned away. Thank you for picking me up when I stumble and fall. Thank you for being my strength when I am weak. Thank you for being faithful, when I am unfaithful. Thank you for dying for me, but most of all, thank you for living for me. I love You.'
Friday, November 16, 2007
Today I prayed, "Lord, help me to be thankful for my job!"
Ugh, bad day, enough said.
I wonder how it could be 70 degrees two days ago, and now it's in the 30's.
The cats left me a nice really gross present the other morning, a dead squirrel. But not just any dead squirrel, this one was nicely stretched out to about three feet long and nearly bisected in the middle.
The two kittens I still have were playing tug of war with it.
Why do my animals persist in the grossest activities?
I have to work on Thanksgiving day, how nice that I don't get to spend the day with my family.
By the way, who shops on Thanksgiving Day?
I want to say thanks to all those who do for ruining the day for so many others who have to work.
I must have been insane to get back into retail.
Who even has money to shop?
Yesterday, I was a traitor and shopped at another grocery store. I got a deal on a turkey though, if you spent $25.00 or more, the turkeys were only .32 cents a pound. I got a 12 pound turkey for under $4.00.
Can't beat that.
The stupid ccccccccccccccc on my keyboard keeps sticccccccccccccccccccccccccking. It's getting really aggravating.
I need a new keyboard, I have had this one several years, but it will have to wait until I have some extra cccccccccash.
Is there such thing as extra cash?
Is there such a thing as enough cash?
HAHAHA, yeah right.
For the last month, DT has been bringing up the subject of me taking classes at the college.
I finally told him yesterday, I don't want to.
I just don't.
He didn't believe me.
He wanted me to take management classes.
HAHAHA, yeah right.
I told him I don't need a college degree for that, I already proved that, and after being a manager for all those years, why would I want to get back into it?
It's bad enough being a peon in retail.
I'm really tired, my back hurts, my ankles hurt, my hands and knuckles.
I am getting too old to work this hard.
Some nights I hurt so bad, it's hard to get a good sleep in.
I envision myself eventually being crippled up with this arthritis.
I guess being active is a good thing though.
My dog's hair is finally growing back after her flea infestation this summer. It was a long drawn out battle, but the buggers are finally gone.
Next year I am treating my whole yard.
The neighbor treated his yard, and his dog didn't have a flea all year, that's because they all came to live in my yard and on my dogs and cats.
It makes me really glad I don't have carpets.
Although, I would really like carpets, maybe someday if I am ever pet free.
I am down to one chair for my kitchen set.
I bought those cheap plastic stackable chairs this summer.
How pathetic is that?
Hey, at least they are chairs.
Besides, replacing chairs is the least of my worries.
I am not really looking forward to the holidays.
That's sad, ain't it?
It's not the fact that I really don't have the money for Christmas, it's being so far away from the rest of my family.
I will try and make it nice at least for Boo though.
I talked to Pookie last night and she said it snowed all day yesterday up there.
I don't miss snow.
Not at all.
Well, I think I am done rambling for now.
Have a good night all.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
We all know the story of Jonah and the Whale. God commanded Jonah to go to Ninevah and preach against their wickedness. Instead, Jonah ran from God, ended up on a ship, then tossed overboard by a bunch of frightened sailors, to end up in the belly of a whale for three days and nights.
We don't know much about Jonah and what kind of man he was before this happened, but we can conclude one thing, he was frightened to do what God had commanded him to do, he was frightened more of the people of Ninevah than God. So much so that he disobeyed God and ran away from Him. The Bible uses the word, flee, in fact, a much stronger word than ran, a word that conveys a sense of panic and hurry.
Jonah tried to run away from God and his command as fast and furious as he could.
The only problem was, he really couldn't get away from God. No matter how fast Jonah ran, no matter where he went, God could find him.
Jonah was foolish, maybe, and definately a coward.
But don't we all have Jonah moments?
Even days when we are foolish and cowardly?
God can and does at times show us exactly where He wants us to be, what He wants us to do, and we will come up with a million different excuses not to do it. Or we ignore what is right in front of us, opportunities and open doors.
We try and run away from God just as Jonah did.
Sometimes God gives us opportunities that don't seem to fit us, so we discount them right away. A shy person having the opportunity to stand in front of others and speak, for example.
We think, "Surely, not I, Lord!"
But God's purposes are greater than ours, and He wants us to stretch and grow beyond our own self limited boundaries.
A number of years ago, in my previous church home, the pastor approached me about joining the outreach committee.
I didn't even think about it, I certainly didn't take time to pray about it.
Taken aback, I said a resounding NO.
No way, not me, uh uh, as visions of approaching people I didn't know filled my head.
Definately one of those Jonah moments in my life.
A couple posts ago, I wrote about how so many have told me to join the choir.
Another Jonah moment, but this time, I am thinking and praying about it.
God wants me to stretch and grow, He wants me to overcome my fears and shyness, and He wants me to serve Him by serving others.
Something that I have been praying about for a long time, where exactly I fit in the church. I have been asking God to lead me.
The thing is, it's been so easy to ignore what was right in front of me.
But too many people have said something to me, it's getting harder to ignore.
When one person says something, it's easy to discount it, it's hearsay, when many people say something, it's testimony and not so easy to ignore.
So I have decided that if I can work my schedule out with work, so I can attend practice, then it is definately where God wants me to be.
It's not exactly what I envisioned for myself, but God knows best where I need to be.
Monday, November 12, 2007
I can wake up in the morning and listen to the birds sing...
Thanks to a Veteran.
I can go to work each day and work where I want to...
Thanks to a Veteran.
I can excersize my right to vote...
Thanks to a Veteran.
I can hug my family and say I love you...
Thanks to a Veteran.
I can take a road trip, a vacation or simply go shopping without worrying about safety...
Thanks to a Veteran.
I have a home to live in, and I don't have to worry about bombs destroying it...
Thanks to a Veteran.
I have the right of free speech, the privilege of driving, and free choice...
Thanks to a Veteran.
My child goes to school in a well equipped building, with heat and resources...
Thanks to a Veteran.
I can read whatever I want to read, including the Bible...
Thanks to a Veteran.
I can also worship Who I want in any form I want...
Thanks to a Veteran.
Thank you to men like my Dad, who served in the US Army for over 30 years, and served in Vietnam for seven of those years.
Thank you to women like my Mom who was in the Women's Army Corp (WAC) and worked in the Pentagon for National Security.
Thank you to young men like my Son in Law, who served as a US Marine in Iraq.
Thank you to all who served and did their duty from WW1 to the present war we are in.
Thank you to the ones who served during times of peace as well as war.
Thank you to the ones who were lost and to those who survived.
Scribbled by deni at 8:40 AM
Sunday, November 11, 2007
I just love when friends get a kick out of embarrassing you, don't you?
It all started some months ago, I was in church singing my little heart out. Directly after service, two different men that were sitting in front of us turned and asked who was singing so beautifully.
My oh so wonderful friend Crystal points at me.
Over the months, several others have complimented me.
I don't get it.
I never thought of myself as a particularly good singer, although I do like to sing.
Last Sunday, Crystal's mama went to church with us.
In Sunday School, she said and quite loudly I may add, that I should join the choir.
Ok, now wait a minute, this is going way too far.
My face burned as EVERYONE turned to look at me.
Then this week, three more people, all complete strangers, told me the same thing.
Then my oh so wonderful FRIEND, who I do love (sometimes), drags me up to the woman in charge of the choir and tells her, SHE NEEDS TO BE IN THE CHOIR!!!
No, I don't.
I am quite content to do my thing in the congregation.
I am feeling pushed and pulled into a direction I am not sure I want to go in.
In new members class, we talked about service.
I've been attending there for a year now, and have been a member since June. I am looking for where I fit in.
Surely, it's not the choir.
Please, Lord, not that.
I can't get up in front of all those people and SING.
Not me. No way.
Crystal said to me, maybe I am just fighting against it too hard.
OF COURSE I AM, I DON'T WANNA!!!
And what is the worst that could happen.
Uh, how about making a complete and utter fool of myself.
Choking, not being able to sing.
Turning beat red in front of everyone.
My voice cracking.
Tripping on the way up there and falling flat on my face.
See, ANYTHING could happen.
After all, I am NOT very graceful, I can't walk without my feet sticking to the floor, so I am sure to really embarrass myself.
Is this what You want of me, Lord?
Ya know, this would be a huge step of faith for me.
Ok, I admit it, this scares me to death.
"For God did not give you a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control."
I'll think about it, K?
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
On November 7, 1997, DT and I stood before God and man and said our marriage vows.
I know a lot people who said we wouldn't make it past the first year.
Tomorrow, proves them wrong as we celebrate ten years of marriage.
To commemorate the day, I am reposting something I wrote on Time to Tell, I think it says it all.
In the fourth grade, I recieved a little note on a scrap of paper from a boy in my class.
All it said was, "I like you."
I wrote back, "I like you too."
Now wasn't that just too cute, little kids passing little love notes back and forth in class.
He turned out to be a jerk, but we were ten, and he was cute.
When I was 15, I started dating a boy, actually a young man since he was 19, who I had known forever.
He was my first love, and yes, he broke my heart.
But that summer was one of the most beautiful times in my life.
We took long walks hand in hand. We talked about everything and anything. We made big plans for the future.
And he wrote me love songs. And then he would sing them to me. He had a nice voice, a deep baritone which would send shivers down my spine.
He wrote me one in particular, that I carried around with me just so I could take it out and read it whenever I felt like it.
That song written from his heart disappeared along with the pictures I had of us, I can't recall if I got rid of them in the throes of a broken heart or if they were just lost.
After him, I started dating the man who would become my first husband, and subsequently my ex.
He wrote me many love letters, long and detailed, proclaiming his undying love for me.
When I gave Pookie my wedding dress, she called me and told me she found all of our letters, along with our wedding pictures in the box with the dress.
She asked me if I wanted them.
No, I don't want them, I have no desire to read them or even see them.
We were young and in love, and it is a part of my history but I have no desire to recall that time.
But someday, my grandchildren or great grandchildren will read them, and see that yes, at one time there was love there.
DT is not much of a letter writer, aside from the occasional note. But that's ok, I don't need letters from him, I know how he feels.
I see it in his eyes when he looks at me, in his hand when he takes mine, in his arms when he holds me.
I feel it in his concern for me when I am not feeling well. When he took care of me after I had surgery. In his words, 'Be careful', when I go somewhere. In the care he took to provide for my future if something should happen to him.
His love letters to me are the times he comes home late at night and crawls in bed and wraps his arms around me. They are the whispered words, I love you, just before he falls asleep. They are the ring he surprised me with when I least expected it. They are forgiveness for things I have done to hurt him, and a willingness to rebuild our marriage when we thought it was over. They were his tears when he was heartbroken, and his willingness to trust again. They are when we are both thinking the same thing at the same time, or when we finish each others sentences. They are cozy nights on the couch watching tv or a movie. They are when he offers to rub lotion on my back. They are long walks in the woods holding hands. They are long conversations or comfortable silences. They are future plans together. They are working together to solve problems. They are standing by each other's side, no matter what.
I don't need words written on a piece of paper because what I have means so much more.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Yesterday, I cleaned and cleaned, and it didn't feel like I accomplished anything. I look around and see so much that has to be done yet.
I was SUPPOSED to get the whole house done.
Around 1:00, I decided to make something to eat. I turned on the stove, and...
BAM...all the lights went out.
Puzzled, I went into the basement and checked the breaker.
It wasn't kicked.
I came back inside and called the power company, getting an automated voice system. Don't ya just love those? Nothing like not being able to talk to a human.
I went across the street and asked the neighbors if they had lights.
Nope, well, at least it wasn't just my house.
And hour and a half later they were back on.
I realized something during that time period.
I take things like electricity for granted.
When it's gone, it's like something HUGE is missing, and while I had it I didn't realize how important it was for existence.
I couldn't use the microwave, or the stove. I was afraid to open the fridge. I had no computer, no lights, no tv.
Not even a clock.
We have become so dependent on something that we can't even see.
Oh, we know it's there, running through the power lines, turning our lights on, heating our water, and keeping our food cold.
But we can't really see it.
Hmmm, and a thought just occurred to me.
God is like that, we can't see Him, but we can see the evidence of His existence all around us.
He has given us the sun to give us light and warmth, He gives us food and water to sustain us, He even gave us the very breath of life.
Every day, God assures me of His existence, in all the blessings that He gives.
We depend on an unseeing power running through our homes, yet we have difficulty at times depending on an unseen God.
Sometimes, we take Him for granted, just like we do other things, knowing He's there, but getting too busy to worship, too rushed to pray, too distracted to serve Him.
Maybe we need to slow down and turn to the Light, because He is the only One who can truly chase away the darkness.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
I think I was too lazy yesterday, I woke up with my lower back and hip complaining. I guess there is such thing as too much of a good thing.
Yesterday morning after dropping Boo off at school, I spotted a huge yard sale, I stopped but was quickly disapointed, they had a lot of junk, but that's what it was, junk. Then I noticed that I needed to put air in my tire, well DT's tire, since he is using the Jeep for his hunting trip, and on the way, I spotted a sign for another sale. I went ahead and got the tire filled then swung back to the sale since it was on my way home. I was glad I did.
Even though she didn't have a whole lot there, she was very friendly. I felt like I made a friend even though we never even introduced ourselves! She was having the sale for the Girl Scouts, her troupe will be going on a trip to Savanna, Georgia, to visit Juliette Gordan Lowe's birthplace, the founder of Girl Scouts. Since, I used to be a Girl Scout leader, we hit it off, and I told her about some of the trips we took. She told me about the trip she is planning for the girl's when they are Seniors to one of the world centers, they are only 11 now, so it will be a few more years yet. I told her how a Girl Scout was attacked on a camping trip back home by a bear, luckily she wasn't hurt, and somehow we ended up talking about snakes. I told her I find snakes in my yard all the time, but hubby is terrified of them, laughing she ran to a table and grabbed three little rubber snakes and handed them to me, 'For your hubby!' she said, we both started laughing, and we said goodbye.
Afterwards, I wished I would have at least introduced myself, she seemed like the kind of person I could be friend's with.
The rest of the day was spent in lazy mode, for some reason I just felt wiped out. I went to bed early and watched tv, the first Pirates of the Carribean was on, so I watched that, then House. I don't watch much tv, but I was too tired to do anything much more. I slept good afterwards, a full 8 hours, so I feel pretty good this morning, except for my back and hip, which I suspect is from being in bed for so long. I need to move around today and stretch the mucles out.
I will have to put on some loud tunes, gather my cleaning supplies and make like the white tornado today, if I get my house work done early, I will have the rest of the day to do whatever. This will be different for me, I usually can't clean during the day time since DT works nights and sleeps during the day, and the house is so small, any noise just vibrates through all the rooms.
Well, I am off, I hope everyone has a great weekend.
Oh, and don't forget to turn your clocks back tonight for Daylight Savings Time.
I always forget to do that!
Friday, November 2, 2007
I am off work, woo woo!!
And tomorrow I am off!!!
Having a Friday and Saturday off is a rare and wonderful thing, having two such days off in a row is even better.
DT went off hunting with his buddy, Boo will be staying at a friend's house this weekend, and I am at loose ends, and I have the next two days off!!!
I can do anything I want.
I can dance around the house nekkid if I so desire, I won't, but I CAN if I want too.
I can take a walk with my camera, or even just the dog.
I can go to the library and take my time instead of rushing.
I can rent a movie that I have been wanting to see.
Or read a book or two.
Take a nap.
I can also clean my house, do laundry and sundry other things that need to be done.
So I am trying to decide.
Clean the house today, be lazy tomorrow.
Be lazy today and clean the house tomorrow.
I'm kinda veering to the lazy side.
It won't really take me a long time to clean, two hours, maybe three if I do a deep cleaning which I want to do.
I thought maybe I would clean the living room (dusting and mopping), the kitchen, and the guest bath and mudroom today, then the bedrooms and the master bath tomorrow, and do laundry today.
Maybe I will just be lazy today and clean tomorrow.
Sounds like a plan to me.
On to other things, (don't read this part if you have a weak tummy).
My dog gave me a nice Halloween present.
On the way home from work, I was starving so I stopped at Wendy's and got myself two jr. bacon cheeseburgers, and took them home and proceeded to scarf them down without breathing.
Replete, I sat back and then suddenly I heard the dog make this funny choking noise in the mud room. Getting up, I was like what is that dog doing?
I walked in on her retching and gagging green slime on my hard work floors.
I went into the kitchen, feeling a little green myself, only to discover I was out of paper towels.
Toilet paper, no that wouldn't do, I didn't want to 'feel' the green slime oozing through the paper as was apt to do if I attempted a clean up with TP.
I glanced down at the green mess, BIG MISTAKE!!
Gagging and retching, telling myself, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T PUKE!!!
I went in the closet and grabbed the bucket and mop, and the pine sol. That should do the trick, I could clean it up and get rid of the smell.
The whole time, the dog sat there, looking up at me with those sorry brown eyes.
After gathering my cleaning stuff, filling the bucket with hot water and a liberal dumping of pine sol, I attempted to clean up the mess.
Covering my mouth, I had to walk away until I regained my composure.
Taking a deep breath, I went back for my second attempt.
Well, it ain't gonna clean itself, YOU HAVE TO DO THIS!!
I finally did get the job done, but it took my stomach quite a while to settle after that adventure.
Personally, I would have preferred candy to that mess on Halloween.
Now that I think about it, I almost think the dog did it on purpose because I wouldn't share my burgers with her.