so tired

I am so tired.

It just seems like this week is dragging. I have to work tonight, then I am off Saturday and Sunday.

Yay, for weekends off.

I plan on sleeping late tomorrow.

I probably won't though, this internal clock of mine will wake me at approximately 6 am.

I want to dig the Christmas decorations out tomorrow.

DT is not working tomorrow, he already has 50 hours in this week and still has to work tonight. The poor man is exhausted. He went to bed at 6:30 this morning and within five minutes was cutting zzzz's.

I am glad he's not working tomorrow, he not only needs the rest, but we really could use some quality time together.

He did kind of hurt my feelings yesterday. I went to him and put my arms around him and said, 'I am looking forward to spending time with you on Saturday.' He said, 'I am working Saturday.'

I looked at him feeling a bit rejected, after I had told him I don't know how many times that I was off, and he had told me how many times he wasn't going to work since I was off.

He knew the look on my face didn't bode well for him.

He said, 'Are you off on Saturday?'

'I told you I was.'

'That's right, then I won't work.'

'Don't stay home on my account,' I said. Ok, I know I let my hurt rule my tongue, it flew out before I could think.

But he is staying home, and now I am feeling like I manipulated him into it. I would rather he stay home because he wants to spend time with me, not out of a sense of obligation or guilt.

I am just so tired of being alone. Boo is always off doing her thing, she is a teenager after all. In the mornings, DT is sleeping, I then go off to work, he leaves for work at 4 pm, I get home at 8:30 pm, and he gets home at 5:30 in the morning.

Sometimes I just feel like I am not a priority in his life. Last week, he left to go hunting with his buddy, I spent Thanksgiving with strangers, although I am thankful I wasn't alone, I would have preferred being with my family.

Last Christmas, I was alone. Boo was in PA visiting her Dad, DT was off hunting, and here I sat.

I don't begrudge DT his hunting, it's his thing, and I won't keep him from something he loves to do, I just want a little time for me.

I guess I was hurt yesterday because he didn't sound as if he wanted to spend time with me.

Sometimes a single person will say to me, 'At least you have someone.'

Yeah, ok. What they don't realize that marriage can be lonely, and it shouldn't be.

My woman's heart longs for more. Oh, I am not going anywhere, I have no desire to seek another, but yesterday a man I work with flirted with me, and ya know what? It felt good to have someone pay attention to me.

I was a bit flabbergasted, I really am not used to it, and I get tongue tied very easily, so I brushed it off, and I am definitely not interested.

But it was nice.

And I guess it just made me think about my marriage, and how DT used to say nice things to me, and flirt with me, and want to spend time with me.

And how much I wish we could get that back.